Losing my Mom

I lost my mom last week. I know she was ready to go, she had been saying as much through the summer. Two weeks before she left us she said to me “don’t cry when I’m gone, I am ready to go”. I said to her “ya whatever, but I am going to put a phone in the casket with you so I can call you whenever I want”. Wouldn’t it be so amazing if there were a phone line to heaven and those that we’ve lost?  It should help to know she was ready and I guess it does maybe a little but just because she was ready does not mean I was. It is so hard to imagine that I won’t be seeing her or talking to her for so so many years, I know I will see her again someday, that is something I truly know and believe, but until then I have to live without hearing her voice. Every time my phone rings I think to myself, that’s not my mom calling. I asked her before she left “who am I going to call when I want to share what I have sewn?”  No one can take her place.
The loss has been so hard, I don’t want to think about it, every time I really begin to, I push it away, I don’t want to feel that pain of losing her. I lost my dad 11 years ago and I remember that pain, it was worse than any physical pain I had ever experienced. I can sit in my home and pretend, I think about her all day, but I can push away those thoughts when they really start turning into reality, the reality that she is truly no longer here. I know that by doing this I am not helping myself, I know I have to deal with it but I am afraid, afraid to feel the loss it’s just way too heartbreaking.
My mom had congestive heart failure and about a month before she left us, she was 91 years old, she decided to go on hospice. There really wasn’t a lot more the doctors could do for her condition and she lived 2 ½ hours away from them. I am so thankful she made that decision because they were such a blessing and my mom loved them. Also in making this decision it brought everyone she cared about to make the decision to visit. All her grandkids and those she considered grandkids came to see her. I am so thankful she got this. When hospice first came they took her off most of her meds which I am sure made her improve, she had gotten to where she couldn’t be alone because she needed help getting up. When her meds were discontinued she improved to the point of not really needing help. We did have someone there helping her all the time just in case but it was such a blessing that she got that improvement before she passed. I really thought with the improvement we would have her with us through Christmas. But God had other plans. My mom had a stroke one early morning and never came back to us. I try to look at it as a blessing because I know that with congestive heart failure when the end comes your lungs can fill with fluid and that can be a very scary death. But I just wish she could have been around longer. She was doing so well how could we have known. Yes we were prepared with everything she needed to die at home, she had chosen to get a hospital bed, hospice had the meds for us on hand that we were able to give her to keep her calm and comfortable, but we weren’t really prepared for the reality of losing her. Can you ever be prepared?  I knew my dad was going when he left us too, he had cancer, but I couldn’t accept it as reality, not until he was gone.
I know we were extremely lucky, my parents did not die young. They both lived very good long lives. Being the youngest I am just shy of turning 50 so they raised us all to be adults.  But even so I was not ready to lose either of them. Yes I remind myself that there are others who have suffered a much greater loss and I pray for them to find peace and comfort. I cannot even fathom their pain.  One of my brothers lost his daughter 2 years ago and I know my pain is nothing compared to his. I wish with all my heart I could take away his pain but I know the only way to do that is to bring her back.
But still we all walk our journeys and I know if I don’t let myself grieve I will not come out on the other side whole. I just don’t want to grieve, it’s too painful. So I push away any thoughts that I know will cause the pain I am avoiding. Yes I don’t feel good and I am so utterly exhausted and I know these are my bodies way of dealing when I won’t let myself deal. And yes I know it is inevitable that I will have to go through the pain to fully heal but I am not ready.