I feel so lost

I feel so lost. I don’t want to let her go. Yet I know she’s already gone. Why did she have to leave me?  I need my mom back. How do I go forward, I feel so lost. I don’t want to grieve it’s just too painful.
These are the things I am going through. I get up in the morning thinking I will get so many things done. But as the morning progresses the exhaustion takes over and I just don’t want to do anything. I just feel like curling up under the covers and hibernating.  I didn’t think this would be so hard. I still cannot believe it’s actually real.
Everything I do and see reminds me of her.  I try to push it away but it’s all around me. I was watching TV last night, I don’t even like to watch TV, and everything reminded me of my loss. Even the commercials of kids. I remember back when my kids were little and she would come over and watch them when I had to work. I am so thankful she was here for them. It seems like just yesterday. Did I take her for granted?  I thought she’d always be here. I feel like a child with no forward direction. Where do I go from here?
I know I will get through this I just don’t want to. If I acknowledge it then I acknowledge that she is really gone. I know by ignoring like I am my health is being effected. I don’t feel well, my head hurts I feel like I am carrying a weight on my shoulders that just won’t go away. I just needed more time but the reality is it would not matter how much time I got it would never be enough.
Over the years my mom warned me even if she did not say as much. She would talk about how much she missed her mom and how she would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her. Will I always have this empty spot?